This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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