omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
