I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
