Your mouth is God's brothel.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
