i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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