sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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