they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
