What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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