Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
