So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
