mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize