Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
