I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
