My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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