he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
