I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
