my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My vagina is officially offended.
So vagazzling was a success
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
