my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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