I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
