I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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