If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
operation have a gay friend backfired
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
