Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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