well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
23 People Confess The Trashiest Thing They’ve Seen In Person
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
19 Transgender People Reveal The First Sign That They Were Trans
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.