now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
