I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?