watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
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I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
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Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.