My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.