Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
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Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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