You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
