Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
