My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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