im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
