I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
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im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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