I think i peed on brittanys purse
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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