Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
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This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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