even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
