Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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