i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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