Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
