why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
