when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
