Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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