I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
