i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
