I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
