I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
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Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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