OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
