You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
