remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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