Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
