my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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