Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
