"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I intend to get homeless drunk
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
