On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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