guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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