can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
