Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
