I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
