I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
